It's difficult Saturday

I am still struggling mightily with something. Waves of distress keep crashing over me.
This morning I had a wonderful, long chat with mum, and finished feeling much better than I started. I cried multiple times, but decided I had to give Korea a fair shot. I have to stay for a month. However, I have to take it only one day at a time. Perhaps only an hour at a time. Maybe I'll only last a week. I really want out badly.
Dwelling on it does no good though.
Mum suggested I try writing it down, to try and either get to the bottom of my feelings, or perhaps identify some sort of pattern or theme. Well, I'm not even too sure where to start.
From the beginning, I have not felt good about Korea. I spent an entire year, and plenty of money, preparing for and planning this trip. As the process moved on, excitement took a back seat to details, and then turned into   ... well... nothing. I didn't really feel anything. I would tell people I was excited, because I was supposed to be, and I felt I didn't really have an option by this point. I put it down to the fact that I was just very balanced and even-keeled about the whole thing. I felt calm, collected, and was sure the excitement would happen.
Well, a couple of days before I was due to leave NZ, emotions did finally begin to show themselves, but not in a good way. I felt constantly ill, and extremely stressed. My insides were wound tight, and I cried at multiple, random moments. This intensified over two days, until Saturday, the day I left, where it ramped up a notch and I left NZ in some kind of stupor. I couldn't eat, I couldn't read, I couldn't watch movies on the plane. Really, I just sat like a Zombie and waited. That saturday and the combined feeling of that wrench/stupor, and leaving Brook was, to date, the worst day of my life. I have almost no memory of the plane trip, other than the lady beside me asking me why I didn't eat my food, and telling me it was probably because I was so excited. I wasn't excited, I wasn't even scared, or nervous. It was (is?) as though part of me was torn out... or more like twisted out and wrenched off. What part, though? Why this feeling?
It persisted over my first week in Korea. I found it difficult to eat, or difficult to want to eat. I forced myself, though, as I forced myself to sightsee. I did enjoy part of my time, and certainly, the feeling did lessen, and even dulled to a very low murmur at points, but always returned. It was never as strong at that saturday, but it also never went away.
Then I left for Hong Kong, and the feeling dulled and then left me completely. I spent three great days exploring Hong Kong - including a fantastic trip to Disneyland! During my three week tour of China I felt great. I thought perhaps I was ok, that the awful wretchedness had worked itself out.
However, upon my return to Korea it started to seep back in. It was certainly not as instantaneous as the first time, but the lethargy, the lack of motivation, and now the twisted weepy feelings have returned in force. I still don't know what they are, nor how to deal with them. Is it homesickness? Is there something about Korea that just makes it 'bad' for me? Are these growing pains as my personality/mind/psyche go through some change?
I am afraid of the third option, and would dearly love it if it were the second, as it would be easier. If these are indeed some sort of mental 'growing pains' what is it in there that is changing and why? And what will it change to? And why does it have to hurt so much?
However, if that is it, and this pain is the result of change (or possibly the resistance to change), then why did they leave when I left Korea? What is it about this place that is eating me up?

So, as you can see, I am unsure at this point whether the pain is trying to tell me to stop, or whether working through it will lead to something wonderful. Like, is this the type of pain you get if you touch the kettle and it burns you -like stop doing this, it's harmful; or is it the type of pain that comes from growth - perhaps like the pain you get from using new muscles.

What it boils down to is conflicting, but equally desperate urges to a) go home (wonderful thoughts of friends and family, and my dog, and Brook, and the beach), and b) not make a decision I'll regret. It's a bit like that 'Marry in hate, regret at leisure' saying. Perhaps it should be 'decide in haste, regret at leisure'. But then again, there also all that belief about going with your gut. My gut says GTFO, quite frankly. So that's not much help.

But I won't. At least not until next weekend :)