So, I started ‘teaching’ today. I have so far done the same thing 4 times in 6 hours and spent the rest of the time doing next to nothing. In the classroom I don’t think I am really there to ‘teach’, I think I’m more of a demonstration model. I really should have expected that, judging by all I’ve read online. I thought I wouldn’t mind – the less responsibility the better, right? Well, I feel strangely under-valued and kind of violated. I didn’t spend all that time and money training to be an accent model. By all accounts I have the potential to be a really good teacher, but this feels somehow degrading. Perhaps it’s just my pride talking. I can see now why a year’s worth of experience in Korean public school is so often reported to be somewhat discounted by potential employers. I took everything I read before I came here with a grain of salt, believing that it was just the bitter, bigoted Americans whining, but ummm… it kind of looks to be true.
Bummer!
The kids seem nice enough though.
On the homesickness front, I'm kind of coming to terms with things now. I am less desperately unhappy, and more just mellowly unhappy. I think I am actually learning a lot about myself. Some of it's a bit of a pain in the butt though. I still have some thinking and sorting (mentally) to do, but I think I might be more at peace with my life if I can work through it.
I'm still not thrilled about being here for a year, but I am working towards being happy with what I have. This trip has really made me think about what I value and how great what I had was, and blah blah blah. Like, why do I always want to have something better than what I've got? And why do I always want the rarer thing? And why do I always plan a big change and disguise it as 'moving forward' rather than sticking with what I have and really putting the hard work in to actually move forward with that?
I think I run away. And I think it's possible I do it in every facet of my life other than with my family. Including friendship, hobbies, and work. What was the last thing I really put my heart and soul into? I think it was studying for my CELTA. And before that? I can't even remember. Not my study, not my relationships, not my cooking, painting, nothing.
Possibly this trip... and the more I think about it the more true it feels... was supposed to kindle (re-kindle?? Was it ever there?) some sort of passion within me. I felt there was a fire in me somewhere, and I wanted (want) to live it. Possible the path I have chosen is not the best way, but perhaps the realisation is worth it.
Well, I guess recognising it is the first step. I kind of know when I'm doing it, and I let myself be lazy. It will take work, but it's obviously something I need to fix if I ever want to have a satisfying work life, or life with a partner, or anything. If I keep changing jobs, or countries, or whatever anytime it feels like there's too much responsibility or commitment, then I'm headed towards a pretty shallow life.
I disguise my non-commitment as abition sometimes.
Man, I am sneaky even to myself! I'm on to me now, though :-D
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