Sorry mum! Saturday

Mum, I know I said I'd update my blog tonight, but I'm too tired :) I took some photos today and will take some more tomorrow. I promise to post tomorrow!
Love you lots.

Musings Wednesday

“Words do not live in isolation they enter into all kinds of groupings held together by a complex, instable and highly subjective network of associations. The sum of this associative network is the vocabulary” (Ullmann, 1963).

 

Sounds a lot like the explanations we give for ‘culture’ in anthropology. Swap ‘words’ for ‘people’ and ‘vocabulary’ for ‘culture’ and I think it actually works pretty well! This feels important to me somehow – especially considering how interested I am in both culture/anthropology, and teaching language. I kind of like “People do not live in isolation they enter into all kinds of groupings held together by a complex, instable and highly subjective network of associations. The sum of this associative network is the culture”.

My place is somewhere outside of this collective culture, currently. Obviously this is an uncomfortable place to be. Well, no I guess I can’t be ‘outside’ of it, but I am certainly occupying a different cultural position than what I am used to. Is that one facet of culture shock? Not just a reaction to seeing a culture do things very differently from your own, but having to deal with a different position personally. It’s certainly affecting me. I don’t feel shocked by it, but I am dealing with feelings of outsider-ness, imposed inferiority (yeah, I made that term up), and miscommunication – due as much to different cultural expectations as language barriers. I feel I am thought less of because of my… well… race. I am used to this a little bit in other areas, especially being a young female I have certainly encountered men who appear to think less of my thoughts because of my age and gender, but this is my first time experiencing any type of racism directed at me. Ok, it’s totally not as bad as that word makes it sound, and it’s certainly not mean or malicious, or even intentional (and intentions matter, right?), but it is definitely there. Or maybe it’s just the young female thing, and I’m misinterpreting it in the wrong light because of my own prejudices. That’s entirely possible too.

Everyone just wants to feel valued, right?

 

Ok, so my second day of school today. I’ve given the final two presentation of my ‘about me’ slideshow – and thank goodness! I couldn’t keep doing that same presentation for too much longer J Some of the classes seemed to quite enjoy it, while others weren’t so interested. They were all fairly polite and good-natured though. I’m joining in on some classes this afternoon to act as an accent model again. Mr Baek told me to join his class for the 5^th and 6^thperiods to help him teach. I asked for some clarification on what we’d be covering, so I could spend this time getting familiar with the material, but he wouldn’t tell me. He kind of just looked at me weirdly and told me not to worry, he had it under control. That’s pretty much the answer I get when I ask for any kind of heads up on the material. He just laughs and says not to worry, he’ll help me. I tried to tell him I’m not worried, I just want to prepare, but he didn’t get it. So, my best teaching will not probably be happening any time soon! Which kind of sucks, because I already feel like I’m seen as a classroom assistant, and I can’t really show my phat teaching skillz if I can’t prepare J. Not at this early stage in my teaching career anyway. Maybe one day I’ll be sweet as on the fly.

I’ll try again this afternoon to find out what I have to cover tomorrow. It wouldn’t be so bad if all the activity instruction weren’t in Korea, but they are, so I kind of need to work out what the students have to do before hand, or else waste time and disrupt the flow of the lesson while I work it out, or have to ask. Actually, maybe asking the students to translate activity instructions into English could be used as a learning tool? However, I don’t think Mr Baek would let that happen. He’s very big on interrupting and helping in Korean. I guess I will learn to accommodate it, but at the moment it throws me right off my stride each time.. Sometimes I’ll actually have moved on to a different point of theme and he will interrupt and talk in Korean about the previous one, which is a bit off-putting. It must be confusing for the students – especially if I launch back into where I was in English, so I generally repeat what I was saying from the beginning so they can catch up and follow. Maybe I am teaching too fast? That’s a good idea, actually. I’ll try really slowing down and see if that helps. However, if I’m supposed to be providing a realistic language model to the students, then going at a snail’s pace is not exactly helpful. But, I guess if they can’t keep up or understand, that’s even worse.. So, I will trial ‘Sam’s Super Slow Speaking’ after lunch J.

Gosh, can you see what’s happening here? I have no one to talk to, so I’m talking to myself through text. Welcome to my brain, anyone who is reading.

Another super introspective post Monday

So, I started ‘teaching’ today. I have so far done the same thing 4 times in 6 hours and spent the rest of the time doing next to nothing. In the classroom I don’t think I am really there to ‘teach’, I think I’m more of a demonstration model. I really should have expected that, judging by all I’ve read online. I thought I wouldn’t mind – the less responsibility the better, right? Well, I feel strangely under-valued and kind of violated. I didn’t spend all that time and money training to be an accent model. By all accounts I have the potential to be a really good teacher, but this feels somehow degrading. Perhaps it’s just my pride talking. I can see now why a year’s worth of experience in Korean public school is so often reported to be somewhat discounted by potential employers. I took everything I read before I came here with a grain of salt, believing that it was just the bitter, bigoted Americans whining, but ummm… it kind of looks to be true.

Bummer!

The kids seem nice enough though.

On the homesickness front, I'm kind of coming to terms with things now. I am less desperately unhappy, and more just mellowly unhappy. I think I am actually learning a lot about myself. Some of it's a bit of a pain in the butt though. I still have some thinking and sorting (mentally) to do, but I think I might be more at peace with my life if I can work through it.

I'm still not thrilled about being here for a year, but I am working towards being happy with what I have. This trip has really made me think about what I value and how great what I had was, and blah blah blah. Like, why do I always want to have something better than what I've got? And why do I always want the rarer thing? And why do I always plan a big change and disguise it as 'moving forward' rather than sticking with what I have and really putting the hard work in to actually move forward with that?

I think I run away. And I think it's possible I do it in every facet of my life other than with my family. Including friendship, hobbies, and work. What was the last thing I really put my heart and soul into? I think it was studying for my CELTA. And before that? I can't even remember. Not my study, not my relationships, not my cooking, painting, nothing.

Possibly this trip... and the more I think about it the more true it feels... was supposed to kindle (re-kindle?? Was it ever there?) some sort of passion within me. I felt there was a fire in me somewhere, and I wanted (want) to live it. Possible the path I have chosen is not the best way, but perhaps the realisation is worth it.

Well, I guess recognising it is the first step. I kind of know when I'm doing it, and I let myself be lazy. It will take work, but it's obviously something I need to fix if I ever want to have a satisfying work life, or life with a partner, or anything. If I keep changing jobs, or countries, or whatever anytime it feels like there's too much responsibility or commitment, then I'm headed towards a pretty shallow life.
I disguise my non-commitment as abition sometimes.
Man, I am sneaky even to myself! I'm on to me now, though :-D

It's difficult Saturday

I am still struggling mightily with something. Waves of distress keep crashing over me.
This morning I had a wonderful, long chat with mum, and finished feeling much better than I started. I cried multiple times, but decided I had to give Korea a fair shot. I have to stay for a month. However, I have to take it only one day at a time. Perhaps only an hour at a time. Maybe I'll only last a week. I really want out badly.
Dwelling on it does no good though.
Mum suggested I try writing it down, to try and either get to the bottom of my feelings, or perhaps identify some sort of pattern or theme. Well, I'm not even too sure where to start.
From the beginning, I have not felt good about Korea. I spent an entire year, and plenty of money, preparing for and planning this trip. As the process moved on, excitement took a back seat to details, and then turned into   ... well... nothing. I didn't really feel anything. I would tell people I was excited, because I was supposed to be, and I felt I didn't really have an option by this point. I put it down to the fact that I was just very balanced and even-keeled about the whole thing. I felt calm, collected, and was sure the excitement would happen.
Well, a couple of days before I was due to leave NZ, emotions did finally begin to show themselves, but not in a good way. I felt constantly ill, and extremely stressed. My insides were wound tight, and I cried at multiple, random moments. This intensified over two days, until Saturday, the day I left, where it ramped up a notch and I left NZ in some kind of stupor. I couldn't eat, I couldn't read, I couldn't watch movies on the plane. Really, I just sat like a Zombie and waited. That saturday and the combined feeling of that wrench/stupor, and leaving Brook was, to date, the worst day of my life. I have almost no memory of the plane trip, other than the lady beside me asking me why I didn't eat my food, and telling me it was probably because I was so excited. I wasn't excited, I wasn't even scared, or nervous. It was (is?) as though part of me was torn out... or more like twisted out and wrenched off. What part, though? Why this feeling?
It persisted over my first week in Korea. I found it difficult to eat, or difficult to want to eat. I forced myself, though, as I forced myself to sightsee. I did enjoy part of my time, and certainly, the feeling did lessen, and even dulled to a very low murmur at points, but always returned. It was never as strong at that saturday, but it also never went away.
Then I left for Hong Kong, and the feeling dulled and then left me completely. I spent three great days exploring Hong Kong - including a fantastic trip to Disneyland! During my three week tour of China I felt great. I thought perhaps I was ok, that the awful wretchedness had worked itself out.
However, upon my return to Korea it started to seep back in. It was certainly not as instantaneous as the first time, but the lethargy, the lack of motivation, and now the twisted weepy feelings have returned in force. I still don't know what they are, nor how to deal with them. Is it homesickness? Is there something about Korea that just makes it 'bad' for me? Are these growing pains as my personality/mind/psyche go through some change?
I am afraid of the third option, and would dearly love it if it were the second, as it would be easier. If these are indeed some sort of mental 'growing pains' what is it in there that is changing and why? And what will it change to? And why does it have to hurt so much?
However, if that is it, and this pain is the result of change (or possibly the resistance to change), then why did they leave when I left Korea? What is it about this place that is eating me up?

So, as you can see, I am unsure at this point whether the pain is trying to tell me to stop, or whether working through it will lead to something wonderful. Like, is this the type of pain you get if you touch the kettle and it burns you -like stop doing this, it's harmful; or is it the type of pain that comes from growth - perhaps like the pain you get from using new muscles.

What it boils down to is conflicting, but equally desperate urges to a) go home (wonderful thoughts of friends and family, and my dog, and Brook, and the beach), and b) not make a decision I'll regret. It's a bit like that 'Marry in hate, regret at leisure' saying. Perhaps it should be 'decide in haste, regret at leisure'. But then again, there also all that belief about going with your gut. My gut says GTFO, quite frankly. So that's not much help.

But I won't. At least not until next weekend :)

Feel like crap Friday

Ok, so here I am blogging at school again. Perhaps this ‘sit at your desk and do nothing’ is a technique to make me want to teach. Because it totally is. I was working on a lesson plan this morning and I found myself very keen to actually implement it. Next week I start teaching. If that’s what you can call it when the co-teacher translates much of what you say into Korean. I mean, what does that teach the kids? That they don’t have to listen or understand the English, because they are going to get the Korean version straight after. Oh well J.

             I had a bit of a rough night last night, and woke up feeling pretty down and out. I really need to get to work on my apartment and snazz it up a bit! I think I might go and check out Lottemart this evening. It’s a big supermarket/ it’s like the warehouse only three storied high, and they sell everything. I did my grocery shopping yesterday at E-mart, which is apparently very similar. Also, I think I saw mention that there is a Basking Robins in the food court of E-mart! I don’t think I’ve mentioned that it is my goal of my time in Korea to slowly try every B.R. ice cream flavor. I was getting a little worried as I hadn’t seen one in Osan. I was thinking that I’d have to trek to Seoul to get my fix. But now, there is hope J.

             Well, I have finished my presentation about NZ and myself. I kind of like it. Hopefully it goes down well. I just had a really nice lunch time, too. The lunch itself was, again, pretty tasty. There was crispy seaweed, a shredded chicken (I think) vegetable thing, sweet and sour chicken, rice, and soup. The soup differs from day to day, but so far it has all tasted the same to me. Kind of watery fishy. It’s not horrible, but I don’t eat much of it. Anyway, after I finished eating I went outside, as per my resolution, even though it was raining. I stood just the entrance way roof. I was only there for a couple of minutes and a couple of second grade girls came to talk to me. They were really nice! Their English was really low, but they managed to tell me about their sports teacher, the smelly boys in their class, what they like to do on the weekend, and about their favourite K-pop and western pop singers. I’m sure the novelty of a new English teacher will wear off and then no one will bother to talk to me, but for now it is very nice.

             So, I am pretty super home-sick. Everyone keeps assuring me that it will get better, and I’m even fairly sure of that myself, but that doesn’t make it feel any better right now! There’s a trip I want to go on next weekend, but you need a Korean bank account to pay for it, so I might ask Mr Baek if he can help me. Knowing my luck, the trip will be full of people who don’t want any new friends!

             Ok, today’s 5 things:

1)     I wore jeans to work, and no one seems to mind. This is good because jeans are comfortable!

2)     Lunch was nice, and the students seem sweet.

3)     It’s raining and Mr Baek gave me an umbrella.

4)     Today is Friday, so it is nearly the weekend.

5)     I want to cry all the time, but have managed not to at all today. Yet.

*        *          *

Ok, so scrap that, I've cried a crap ton. I feel well and truly, all-consumingly homesick. I want to go home so badly. I am skyping mum in the morning, perhaps she can help.

Honestly, though, I'm in a bad way.

Why the heck am I here?

First day of work Thursday

Phew! So, my first day in Osan was pretty hard-core. I kind of had a mini break-down (VERY mini) last night with Brook on Skype, mainly just because I was so overloaded with new information and so tired! So, I stayed with Rosie on Tuesday night, and she filled me in with lots of info about the apartment, buses, supermarkets, and so on. It was so amazingly good to have the overlap of me and her, so she could tell me exactly what the deal was, with no communication issues.

           The next day, Wednesday, we woke up at 6.45 and got ready to catch the bus to school. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything because I was having my medical test. Rosie is a little disorganized, so we were a bit late to catch the bus, so we got a taxi instead. It wasn’t too expensive, I think it was about $12. So, we got to school and the bombardment began. I had to meet everyone, and kind of just smile and nod all day. Had a very quick and somewhat awkward meeting with the principal, where he spoke in Korean and I smiled. Then I was whipped back to Osan for two hours in the hospital being tested for I don’t know what. They looked in my mouth for about 20 seconds and told me I needed a wisdom tooth extracted… I am doubtful – I just went to the dentist in NZ and nothing was wrong at all. Then I had to pee in a cup, and other unmentionable things, followed by a chest x-ray (for TB I assume). Then I had a hearing test, and eye test, got measured and weighed, and had to give them a blood sample. Then I had to tell a doctor I wasn’t on any medication and didn’t have a mental disease. Not sure what most of those things had to do with teaching. Like, ok I can understand them not wanting me to have T..B., or be on drugs, or even want to make sure I can see and hear ok in the classroom… but why the heck check my teeth, or my height? Perhaps it’s just ‘protocol’ or something. I got through it, anyway, and was back at school in time for lunch.

           Lunch is a classic cafeteria thing. I’ve never had lunch like that before. You line up with a metal tray and lunch ladies dump a spoon full of everything in the different holes. Yesterday there was kimchi, rice with spam, unknown processed patty things with tomato sauce, slightly spicy chewy noodles, and soup. Not sure if it was just because I was ridiculously hungry or what, but it all tasted actually ok. After lunch I got to observe Rosie teaching a couple of classes, which was great. I feel more comfortable with that side of things now. The co-teacher, MR Baek kept interrupting her and speaking for long stretches in Korean though. That might take me some patience to get used to, as I’m used to being the only teacher in the classroom – and I don’t think he should be using so much Korean in the English room. However, it is their system, and I’m really just a guest, so I will shut up and do what I’m told. Rosie said that the conversation classes are better. I’ll be teaching eight hours of them a week, and it’s all on my own, and all my own lesson planning. Because these students have such a low level of English, and the lessons are only 45 minutes long, there’s not too much to do in any one lesson anyway. I’m not over the moon about the teaching prospects, but things might improve as I get used to things. At least the students seem well mannered, happy, and nice.

           So, I got a lot of information about how the school works and whatnot yesterday, which I have now mostly forgotten, but I think that’s ok. I think I’ve got most of the main stuff under control. Because it was Rosie’s last day, all her classes had made her goodbye posters and wanted photos with her. We finished work at 4.30, but didn’t actually get to leave until after 5. I was so tired by this point. Then we went to catch the bus, so she could show me how, but Mr Baek showed up and drove us home instead. So, we got home about 6pm, Rosie finished packing, and then I helped her carry her things to the bus station. Then I was all alone. I got back to the apartment ok, and made a quick stop at the convenience store on the way. I was too tired to go grocery shopping, and too heartsick to go out for dinner, so I bought a big bottle of Powerade and a kimbap triangle and ate it while skyping Brook. Rose also left behind a big cake, which I had some of. It was very nice!

           I felt very down and very homesick yesterday night. The whole day was just overwhelming. I think because of the language barrier and the cultural differences everything felt very shallow and like ‘fake-caring’. I don’t know, perhaps that is how my culture shock will manifest itself. There was just too many smiles and too much faked (or so it seemed to me) emotions in the name of politeness. It made me feel very empty by the end of the day, like my whole day had been an act, and nothing ‘real’ had happened. I also suddenly felt very alone. But I skyped with Brook, and watched an episode of a new TV show, Terra Nova, and felt better. I’m still feeling a bit emotionally delicate, but am feeling like I can deal with it.

           I don’t have to teach at all this week. I just have to go at the beginning of each class and introduce myself. I’m supposed to be making a powerpoint introducing myself and New Zealand, but the computer is all in Korean, so it’s slow going. Plus, I kind of already made one at home, so I think I’ll just expand that one. So, other than spending 5-10 minutes at the beginning of a few lessons today talking to the students, I don’t have a lot to do.

           This school is about 25-35 minutes away from my new home, depending on the traffic. I caught the bus myself this morning, and made it here fine J. It is quite a small school, with only around 120-150 students, three grades with two classes per grade. This is nice because it means I don’t feel too lost, and with time I might start to recognize some of the kids. I have my own desk in the staffroom, and they have given me a laptop to use, but as I said, it’s all in Korean. I’ve also got a nice pile of English textbooks to use as resources. I’m actually very much looking forward to getting back into the classroom and having some sort of sense of purpose. I have a lot of free time during the day though, and not a whole lot of lesson planning to do, so I had better think of some safe for work kind of things to keep myself busy and entertained. I guess I can devote some time to my blog, some time to keeping up with friends, some time to learning Korean, and then other things.

           On the subject of learning Korean, interestingly, I feel almost no enthusiasm to do so. Perhaps because I have so many other things on my mind, but I can’t really be bothered learning anything right now. I do definitely need to add some words to my vocab – sorry, excuse me, and some food words would be useful. If I can get the enthusiasm. Right now I just want to curl up on a couch (which I don’t have) and watch T.V. with Brook.

           That brings me to the subject of my apartment. It is so much better than I had even hoped for. It’s fairly spacious, has heaps of storage space, and a separate shower. It definitely needs some work to make it feel like home, though. Rosie left a whole lot of crap behind that I need to throw away, like old makeup, old food, and so on, but the place is essentially very clean. I want to get some new, cozier bedding, put up/ display my souvenirs from China, and actually unpack my bags. At the moment I just have stuff strewn everywhere.

           I’m in the process of organizing to meet up with one or more people off facebook this weekend, to try and make some friends. Or something. Lol, right now I really wish I hadn’t come to Korea, I feel very misplaced and alone. Thank goodness for the internet! Why did I want to come to Korea, anyway?

           Well, I wanted an adventure. I wanted to see if I could go it alone. I wanted to try something new. I wanted to either get it out of my system, or learn that I want to keep teaching and travelling. I want to use the experience to be a better person. I want to learn to value what I have. I want to learn about the world, and learn to make myself happy.

           Looking at that list, I feel better. I feel like there might be more of a point to this, and most importantly, a self-defined, and self-driven point. I think I start to feel bad when I lose my sense of control and direction. And also lose my sense of the bigger picture. If I can make it through this year, I will be so proud of myself. I’m not currently convinced that I can. It stretches out before me like a long and lonely black hole. I think this will change the more time I spend becoming familiar with things and make some friends. The possibility of making friends, or meeting new people and liking them, and them liking me, seems so distant and kind of impossible! I’ve never been good at consciously making friends, but now’s the time to start, I suppose! I plan to join a couple of exercise classes and try to take a few organized trips in the coming weekends to try and meet some people. Right now I just feel totally contrary and want all my old people J.

 

           Ok, it was just lunch time – and what a relief, I was starving! The food was nice – the main dish was a brown beef and noodle something that tasted very similar to yakiniku. I really liked it. Then I went and sat outside where I was mobbed by a group of lovely first grade girls who wanted to try and talk to me. The sunshine did me a world of good, I think I should try to go outside every lunch time that I can. Otherwise I’ll just be stuck inside all day. Sounds like a plan J.

 

Ok, now a return to tradition, today’s top 5!:

1)     The brown beef thing at lunch. Yummy!

2)     I made it to school successfully on the bus.

3)     Sitting in the sun at lunch time was great, and very relaxing.

4)     I cooked my first dinner in my new home. It really doesn't feel like home though.

5)    I don't know. I'm out of good things. I'm sad and lonely. This sucks.

Back in Korea Tuesday

Whew, what an amazing month I've had! Once again, this will not be a 'proper' update as I'm on the hostel computer, and I just can't write with my head in the right place in such a public space. Blog posts take a bit of time and work! Plus the computers are a tad crappy, I'd probably lose the post before I published it.

So, I have many, many pages of travel journal to covert to blog posts once I get back to Seoul and my laptop. I'm thinking of giving them their own page or something, while I continue with everyday life on this blog page. Not sure as yet.

Anyway, I am currently in Busan, South Korea, and have been for two days. The weather is simply amazing! I went to Haeundae beach today and hung out on the sand for a while, and it reminded me of home. It about the same temperature as a mild NZ summer day. I had a Baskin Robins 'New Oreleans Pecan Pie' flavoured icecream on the beach too... Wow, new favourite ice cream flavour! It had pecans bits, chocolate swirl, and biscuit bits. Yummy!

The thrill of constant travel is starting to wear off a bit, and I am starting to feel a bit disconnected from the world around me. Finding things to do outside of my room every second of every day is also taking it's toll. Just, if I stay inside I feel guilty for 'wasting my time' where ever I am. I've come down with a cold though, so I'm going to take the afternoon of sightseeing, read, surf the net, and maybe watch a crappy action movie on TV (If I can find one!).

If you're interested, I just read this article, which inspired me and made me feel a bit hopeful that once I get back to Seoul and settle down, I can make a go of it.

I've booked a KTX (Korea's fastest train, woooo) ticket to take me to Seoul tomorrow. I was going to stop somewhere else on the way and explore a bit, but I couldn't work up any enthusiasm. 

I need a nap!